Intervarsities Epilogue: 70's Porn Man

Since the 'varsities I've been inundated with emails, text messages and phone calls congratulating, thanking and many more just asking for the full story about what happened on the weekend.

Many have asked me to recant the fictional story of the fictional character called 70's Porn Man and the fictional characters he interacted with, who I invented over the course of the weekend. Obviously any resemblance to real people living or dead is completely coincidental. 70's Porn Man and his actions are entirely a work of fiction in no way based on real life. Enjoy...

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Dr. 70's Porn Man was the honorary president of X University Fencing Club. His predecessor won something like 16 'varsities or at least his team did while he did nothing. X college haven't won since he took over 6 years ago. He decided this year was going to be his year and started getting the team together, coming down to training, taking attendance at training, encouraging as many of them as possible to go to Salle X and buying them all green arm bands with XUFC to wear during the 'varsities.

I'd seen him around the odd time before but the 'varsities weekend was the first time I've been exposed to him for any prolonged period. He wears dark sunglasses all the time, has ridiculous oily shoe-polish-black hair and has incredibly bad teeth. He's also a tremendous windbag and I'm fairly sure I saw him carrying around a picture of him on some team or other on the weekend. All his conversations start with "Back in my day..."

This was all well and good before the 'varsities, XU were happy enough to take his money and have rally the team a bit and no one else gave two shits what he was doing. He was hanging around all day one of the 'varsities cheering on XU really loudly and being a bit of a dick we noticed him and gave him the name 70's Porn Man because he looks like some sort of aging sleazy seventies porn star and director or something. On day 1 he'd made a complaint to the DT about Stephen trying to influence the ref in some match or other... complete bullshit considering how much he was bothering the refs and the first sign of things to come.

The shit started to hit the fan on day 2 though (the shit being him). We were winning by 2 weapons to 1 after day 1 so that must have rattled him a bit. I saw him wandering around talking to fencers from other clubs and then eventually he went up to DT. News quickly spread over to me that he was making a complaint against UCD. I went over to the desk to hear him suggesting that UCD should be thrown out of the competition because they had failed to have the trophy on show (Aidan had it back in his room and was going to come with it later). I laughed at Des and said something along the lines of "So we're going to let some randomer make up the rules of the 'varsities now". Des wanted to appease him, so I brought Stephen over and he got Aidan to bring down the trophy. As we walked over to the table he slow-clapped us. We were just thoroughly bemused.

Talking to Hugh afterwards he told me that 70's Porn Man had been trying to convince him to go up and complain with him too, so it seemed like a few universities were annoyed by this. At this point 70's Porn Man who was walking into the other hall, made a detour from the wall, walked into the crowd of three of us and barged his way in between Hugh and whoever else it was I was talking to. Shouldering them and sarcastically saying thank you before walking off again. It was around then that Cahill and Keith came in hung-over and wearing big aviators. I borrowed Keith's aviators and marched up to the DT desk and demanded that I wanted to launch a complaint against XU. All the while 70's Porn Man was right behind me.

We went back to whatever we were doing but 70's Porn Man continued. Next thing he went over to try and use the same line about each of the individual trophies. He corned Lorraine and started berating her. I could see her over with him for at least half an hour but I was fencing a match at the time and by the time I was finished she had walked away - crying! I talked with her for a bit then made my way to the DT desk to try and get that shit thrown out of the hall. Des and Jonathan talked with Lorraine but were again reluctant to cause a scene and he remained.

Marcos went over to him to appease him and let him rattle on to him for ages about 70's Porn Man's plans to take over the Fed! Marcos of course said we'd support him if he'd just shut-up for the day (yeah right!).

It was pretty quiet up until women's sabre began. As the probably the best sabre president there, I was asked to ref loads of the sabre. I reffed all the teams including XU and I reffed them all well. He was standing down XU's end and cheering for them for some of them and I was joking with Kate that he was making it very difficult for me to give them points. The things was - XU thought he was a dick as well and didn't want him representing them at all. They were already quite embarrassed about what he was doing and worse was yet to come.

I was asked by the girls on both teams to ref the UCD vs. Trinity match. I made sure that both teams agreed to that before the match and neither had a problem with it. It was a very difficult match for me to preside and if anything I overcompensated in favour of Trinity - and Kate agreed afterwards, when we had won, and thanked me for the presiding along with the rest of her team.

They were very pleased with my presiding and so much so that they sought me out and asked me to preside their next match against Colraine - a match they were almost certain to win and that I had no problem reffing. I had finished two matches and was changing over to the third when 70's Porn Man came up and squared off to me -
"I've asked the DT that you be banned from reffing all our matches. That's the way it works you don't ref us and we don't ref you. Now we'll have to find another ref."

"Well you're team has just asked me personally to ref them". The Ladies sabre team started backing me up and confirming that I was a good ref but he persisted."I very much doubt that you'll find another ref willing to take this match if you have me removed", I continued. "Now if this is not what the team captain (Colin had come-over and sided with me) or the team itself want I'm going to have ask you to back off"
I was shaking with rage at this stage, quite close to actually decking this shit. "I'm so close to having you expelled from this venue"

Jonathan came over at this stage to calm me down and explains things a bit. He claimed that Lorraine had allowed me to be banned - so I went off to Lorraine. She had obviously said no such thing; she had said that if they didn't want me to ref they themselves would have to tell me. So, I went back in to ref the match.

As the two fencers got ready for the next match, I leaned over to 70's Porn Man who was sitting down the end of the piste grumbling loudly and pointed and winked at him saying "I love you, 70's Porn Man". He immediately stormed up to me and squared up to my face - "Do you have something to say to my face?” So I laughed in his face and said "I love you, man!" patting him on the shoulder. "You do in your arse!" He grumbled and walked away. "Are you accusing me of sarcasm? And I'd watch that language or you're going to get carded. Now stay the hell away from my piste!"

At this point he got up and stormed across the piste out into the other hall. I thought he was going to go attack poor Lorraine again so I told Tony and Marcos to go interject. As the bout finished though, the XU captain walked up to me shook my hand and said 70's Porn Man had resigned and he thanked me wholeheartedly, as did the sabre team and any other XU members around me - it was incredible. So he'd had enough of them being ungrateful of his meddling and resigned - Result!

So I was a hero of XU they joked about me being the next president. The world has been turned on its head by one cantankerous old fart.

So there you go...

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Once again I'd like to point out that 70's Porn Man and any other person mentioned are purely a fictional characters and is not based on any real person living or dead. The events depicted in this blog-entry are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.